Everyday we're receiving dozens of cards in the mail, phone calls, texts, and messages of condolences. We can't say thank you enough. Sawyer will be honored this Wednesday at 10:00am at St. Frances X Cabrini Catholic Church. My last message seems to have been confusing. The service at the church is open. We only ask that the burial be reserved for family and close friends. I did not send private invitations to "close friends," but you know who you are.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Many of you have been asking...
Sawyer's organs were retrieved this morning. He will be helping the lives of four children with his heart, liver, and both kidneys. We are very happy that his heart was strong enough to live on. Good job baby.
And just an update on this blog: 235,258 views. That means that about 100,000 views were made in 24 hours. You are amazing Sawyer. We love you to the moon and back, forever and always.
Sawyer's organs were retrieved this morning. He will be helping the lives of four children with his heart, liver, and both kidneys. We are very happy that his heart was strong enough to live on. Good job baby.
And just an update on this blog: 235,258 views. That means that about 100,000 views were made in 24 hours. You are amazing Sawyer. We love you to the moon and back, forever and always.
We will be honoring baby Sawyer's life through an open memorial service at the St. Frances X Cabrini Catholic Church (12687 California Street, Yucaipa 92399) on Wednesday, June 25th at 10:00am.
The burial service will be held afterward for family and close friends only. Thank you for respecting our family's privacy during this time.
The burial service will be held afterward for family and close friends only. Thank you for respecting our family's privacy during this time.
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Tuesday, June 17th @ 3:30pm:
Brain-dead is what they called him. The damage is irreversible, and though we've known officially since Friday, hearing the news in its finality is another damaging blow. Today we said goodbye to Sawyer. We kissed our baby for the last time. Logan and our families came in and gave him a final kiss as well. We've decided to donate any organs that might possibly help another child from passing and another family from going through this nightmare that we're living. We'll be given updates as to who the recipients are and how they are progressing thanks to our Sawyer. It brings us a bit of joy to imagine his heart living on and beating strongly in another child.
I began writing this blog last Thursday to keep the many friends and family continually updated on Sawyer since many of you know how reliable Matt and I are with returning phone calls. We've been truly humbled at just how many people - friends and family, old friends and acquaintances we haven't talked to for years, complete strangers - have reached out to us. We cannot thank you enough for your continued support. Without your love and encouragement we wouldn't have had the strength to make it this far. As of today, 126,880 people have viewed this blog. That is truly humbling. Sawyer has left his mark on so many lives in such a short time. While we will never truly heal from this hurt, we know that we have so many people rallying behind us, helping us to move forward. Thank you so much, from the bottom of our broken hearts, thank you.
Brain-dead is what they called him. The damage is irreversible, and though we've known officially since Friday, hearing the news in its finality is another damaging blow. Today we said goodbye to Sawyer. We kissed our baby for the last time. Logan and our families came in and gave him a final kiss as well. We've decided to donate any organs that might possibly help another child from passing and another family from going through this nightmare that we're living. We'll be given updates as to who the recipients are and how they are progressing thanks to our Sawyer. It brings us a bit of joy to imagine his heart living on and beating strongly in another child.
I began writing this blog last Thursday to keep the many friends and family continually updated on Sawyer since many of you know how reliable Matt and I are with returning phone calls. We've been truly humbled at just how many people - friends and family, old friends and acquaintances we haven't talked to for years, complete strangers - have reached out to us. We cannot thank you enough for your continued support. Without your love and encouragement we wouldn't have had the strength to make it this far. As of today, 126,880 people have viewed this blog. That is truly humbling. Sawyer has left his mark on so many lives in such a short time. While we will never truly heal from this hurt, we know that we have so many people rallying behind us, helping us to move forward. Thank you so much, from the bottom of our broken hearts, thank you.
Monday, June 16, 2014
Monday, June 16th @ 2:45pm:
One week after the accident. I can't believe it's only been a week. We've seen, heard, experienced, and felt more this last week than ever before. The doctors just injected Sawyer with some nuclear medicine that would track the blood flow to and through his brain. There is no blood flow whatsoever. Doctors did several ocular tests that assess reflexes. No responses whatsoever. Sawyer is gone and only medicine and a ventilator keep our baby looking like himself. Looking so perfect, so peaceful. We asked for one final miracle and were not answered. All hope, all prayer is gone. Our baby is gone. We love you Sawyer, so much. We are so sorry we weren't there for you when you needed us most. We will never forgive ourselves. We love you, we love you, we love you.
Why did you give him to us, just to take him away???
One week after the accident. I can't believe it's only been a week. We've seen, heard, experienced, and felt more this last week than ever before. The doctors just injected Sawyer with some nuclear medicine that would track the blood flow to and through his brain. There is no blood flow whatsoever. Doctors did several ocular tests that assess reflexes. No responses whatsoever. Sawyer is gone and only medicine and a ventilator keep our baby looking like himself. Looking so perfect, so peaceful. We asked for one final miracle and were not answered. All hope, all prayer is gone. Our baby is gone. We love you Sawyer, so much. We are so sorry we weren't there for you when you needed us most. We will never forgive ourselves. We love you, we love you, we love you.
Why did you give him to us, just to take him away???
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Sunday, June 15th @ 9:00pm:
Today was one of the toughest days so far. We have so many people rallying behind Sawyer, but it all seems so hopeless. We're losing faith. We are going to go to church tomorrow morning before we go into spend the day with Sawyer. If God doesn't talk back soon, we're not sure where our faith will be left.
Tomorrow Sawyer will undergo some formal tests that will track the blood flow in his brain, test his lung and spontaneous breathing capacity, and other various functions. He looks so small and precious in his little crib there. He looks perfect, as if he's just sleeping and will wake up at any moment. God what we would give for that. Tonight the nurses will transfer him from a crib to a bed so that we can lie down next to him and just be close. All I want to do is lie next to him, wrap him up in my arms, run my fingers through his perfect hair, and tell him how much I love him. Over and over again. God we love him. Logan has kept us smiling as only he can, but this house still feels so big. So empty. So quiet. So lifeless.
Lord please, please, please, please, don't take my baby. Give him back. You gave him to us, and we're so sorry we failed him. We're so sorry we weren't there for him. But Lord, please, if you just give him back to us, we'll do everything we can to keep our baby safe and happy. He belongs here with us, in our home, not with you. Not yet. Please give him back to us. We're so sorry.
Today was one of the toughest days so far. We have so many people rallying behind Sawyer, but it all seems so hopeless. We're losing faith. We are going to go to church tomorrow morning before we go into spend the day with Sawyer. If God doesn't talk back soon, we're not sure where our faith will be left.
Tomorrow Sawyer will undergo some formal tests that will track the blood flow in his brain, test his lung and spontaneous breathing capacity, and other various functions. He looks so small and precious in his little crib there. He looks perfect, as if he's just sleeping and will wake up at any moment. God what we would give for that. Tonight the nurses will transfer him from a crib to a bed so that we can lie down next to him and just be close. All I want to do is lie next to him, wrap him up in my arms, run my fingers through his perfect hair, and tell him how much I love him. Over and over again. God we love him. Logan has kept us smiling as only he can, but this house still feels so big. So empty. So quiet. So lifeless.
Lord please, please, please, please, don't take my baby. Give him back. You gave him to us, and we're so sorry we failed him. We're so sorry we weren't there for him. But Lord, please, if you just give him back to us, we'll do everything we can to keep our baby safe and happy. He belongs here with us, in our home, not with you. Not yet. Please give him back to us. We're so sorry.
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Sunday, June 15 @ 10:00am:
Not that God has listened to or answered any of our prayers, but if we have just one final one, it would be that he stops making our little guy suffer. Doctors and nurses are continually caring for his body, pumping more and more medication into his little veins, but as this point, why? It is just a vessel. Our Sawyer has already moved on. Please stop prolonging this pain for my baby. Just let him go.
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Not that God has listened to or answered any of our prayers, but if we have just one final one, it would be that he stops making our little guy suffer. Doctors and nurses are continually caring for his body, pumping more and more medication into his little veins, but as this point, why? It is just a vessel. Our Sawyer has already moved on. Please stop prolonging this pain for my baby. Just let him go.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Saturday, June 14 @ 9:00pm:
Dr. Mirza came in today about 4:00pm and confirmed all of our worst fears. Sawyer is not even in the vegetative state - that is above his ability. His heart rate and his blood pressure continue to fluctuate because his brain is not responding to his body. My Sawyer will most likely not make it through the week, and if he does, he will not awake.
We are at home with Logan, smothering him with all the love our broken hearts have left. We will continue to spend each day with Sawyer, but come home each night to Logan while friends and family do us the favor of keeping Saywer company at night. We are lost, afraid, confused, angry, exhausted, dying inside.
Dr. Mirza came in today about 4:00pm and confirmed all of our worst fears. Sawyer is not even in the vegetative state - that is above his ability. His heart rate and his blood pressure continue to fluctuate because his brain is not responding to his body. My Sawyer will most likely not make it through the week, and if he does, he will not awake.
We are at home with Logan, smothering him with all the love our broken hearts have left. We will continue to spend each day with Sawyer, but come home each night to Logan while friends and family do us the favor of keeping Saywer company at night. We are lost, afraid, confused, angry, exhausted, dying inside.
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Saturday, June 14 @ 11:00am:
Not much to update this morning. Sawyer hasn't really made a positive move in a while it seems. He was fighting the breathing machine and had to be put back on the paralytic. Taking him off of the ventilator seems to be a long shot right now. Doctors continue to pull secretions and fluids from his body. It is good news that we're getting some more junk out, but still so hard to watch. The paralytic has currently worn off, so as of right now, Sawyer has the ability to breath above the vent (take breaths of his own in addition to the ventilator), but he is currently just riding the vent. My baby has never been lazy, so this is a fine time to start - typical Bam Bam.
Sawyer's leg isn't looking so hot either. The incision on the right side looks to be closing up, but that's only because it's pulling on the incision on the left side. Doctors say that the right incision should be sutured up in a week, but the left side will need a skin graft. The skin graft cannot be performed until Sawyer is all better, so only God and time will tell. The wound will remain open until this is possible.
Sawyer's heart rate and blood pressure also seem to be freaking out, moving back and forth from stable to unstable . He must've heard the news yesterday too, because it seems he's as stressed as we are. We are trying to stay calm; we continue praying; we continue reading to him; we continue to sing him lullabies; we continue to lean up one another; we just continue to continue it seems.
Again, thank you ALL for the support. #prayingforsawyer seems to be a viral sensation right now. There is another little boy here who is in the same predicament as our little guy. Warm thoughts, love, and prayers to Jerrod and his family as well.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please heal our baby, Lord. Let his body heal, let his mind heal, and give him back to us. While we find comfort and strength in you, we are not ready to surrender our baby over to you just yet. He has too much life to live and too many peoples lives to continue to touch - whether or not he leaves bruising on them. You gave him to us and we are going to fight to keep him. Please Lord, hear the millions of prayers that are begging you to heal and give back our Sawyer. He is mine. He is ours. Please Lord. Amen.
Not much to update this morning. Sawyer hasn't really made a positive move in a while it seems. He was fighting the breathing machine and had to be put back on the paralytic. Taking him off of the ventilator seems to be a long shot right now. Doctors continue to pull secretions and fluids from his body. It is good news that we're getting some more junk out, but still so hard to watch. The paralytic has currently worn off, so as of right now, Sawyer has the ability to breath above the vent (take breaths of his own in addition to the ventilator), but he is currently just riding the vent. My baby has never been lazy, so this is a fine time to start - typical Bam Bam.
Sawyer's leg isn't looking so hot either. The incision on the right side looks to be closing up, but that's only because it's pulling on the incision on the left side. Doctors say that the right incision should be sutured up in a week, but the left side will need a skin graft. The skin graft cannot be performed until Sawyer is all better, so only God and time will tell. The wound will remain open until this is possible.
Sawyer's heart rate and blood pressure also seem to be freaking out, moving back and forth from stable to unstable . He must've heard the news yesterday too, because it seems he's as stressed as we are. We are trying to stay calm; we continue praying; we continue reading to him; we continue to sing him lullabies; we continue to lean up one another; we just continue to continue it seems.
Again, thank you ALL for the support. #prayingforsawyer seems to be a viral sensation right now. There is another little boy here who is in the same predicament as our little guy. Warm thoughts, love, and prayers to Jerrod and his family as well.
Dear Heavenly Father,
Please heal our baby, Lord. Let his body heal, let his mind heal, and give him back to us. While we find comfort and strength in you, we are not ready to surrender our baby over to you just yet. He has too much life to live and too many peoples lives to continue to touch - whether or not he leaves bruising on them. You gave him to us and we are going to fight to keep him. Please Lord, hear the millions of prayers that are begging you to heal and give back our Sawyer. He is mine. He is ours. Please Lord. Amen.
Friday, June 13, 2014
Our fighter. He's being put back on the paralytic tonight because he is fighting with the ventilator. He is trying to breath on his own, but abnormally, so the ventilator is creating uneven breathing patterns. This is resulting in higher blood pressure, increased heart rate, and therefore, more meds. One step forward, five steps back. Bam Bam - always taking the hard route. Needing this attitude back.
#prayingforsawyer
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#prayingforsawyer
Friday, June 13 @ 5:45pm:
Sawyer had his MRI/MRS today at 7:00 am. He was done about 8:45 am. Sawyer's little brain has taken on a lot of damage..."significant brain damage." Neurologists have predicted that my baby may not ever see us, hear us, move by himself, eat by himself, say "I love you Mommy, I love you Daddy," or even wake again.
We're struggling to understand why this is happening to our little guy. He was so strong, so healthy, so funny, so stubborn, so frustrating, so loving, so sweet, so tough, so perfect. We don't know where to go from here but to try to stay strong for Sawyer, and of course, for Logan and each other as well. We will wake each day and look for any more progress our baby will make. We will still aim to get him off of the ventilator. We will continue to watch his leg heal. We will wait until our baby wakes up. He will come home and live his life with us, in our own four walls. We will test him daily until we defeat all of the odds. Fight, Sawyer, fight. Pray, friends and family, pray.
#prayingforsawyer
Sawyer had his MRI/MRS today at 7:00 am. He was done about 8:45 am. Sawyer's little brain has taken on a lot of damage..."significant brain damage." Neurologists have predicted that my baby may not ever see us, hear us, move by himself, eat by himself, say "I love you Mommy, I love you Daddy," or even wake again.
We're struggling to understand why this is happening to our little guy. He was so strong, so healthy, so funny, so stubborn, so frustrating, so loving, so sweet, so tough, so perfect. We don't know where to go from here but to try to stay strong for Sawyer, and of course, for Logan and each other as well. We will wake each day and look for any more progress our baby will make. We will still aim to get him off of the ventilator. We will continue to watch his leg heal. We will wait until our baby wakes up. He will come home and live his life with us, in our own four walls. We will test him daily until we defeat all of the odds. Fight, Sawyer, fight. Pray, friends and family, pray.
#prayingforsawyer
Logan came in yesterday to see his little brother. He was joined by his younger cousin, Abby. Here at Loma Linda they have a Child Life Specialist who brings in younger siblings or family members and discusses with them what exactly is happening. They take pictures and talk about the tubes and machines and all of their functions. It's really a great idea. The rep, Wendy, was awesome and so patient. Logan asked some really great questions and surprised us all by knowing more about the machines than we expected.
When we brought him into the room he talked to Sawyer a bit, but was afraid to be too loud. I could tell he was avoiding Sawyer's face as he spoke too. I asked him if it was a little weird to see his brother looking so different, and he responded with, "Yea I don't want to look at him anymore, he looks gross." So he just sat in the room, colored him a picture, and explored more of the machines. We thought it was important for Logan to see his baby brother again, and even more important for Sawyer to hear that his big brother loves and misses him. Sawyer is always asking, "Go see Abby?" So it was also great for Abby, who wasn't phased at all by Sawyer's appearance, to let him know she was there.
#prayingforsawyer
By the way...#prayingforsawyer has received an amazing amount of reposts! Thank you Miss Jennifer for gaining so much more support!
When we brought him into the room he talked to Sawyer a bit, but was afraid to be too loud. I could tell he was avoiding Sawyer's face as he spoke too. I asked him if it was a little weird to see his brother looking so different, and he responded with, "Yea I don't want to look at him anymore, he looks gross." So he just sat in the room, colored him a picture, and explored more of the machines. We thought it was important for Logan to see his baby brother again, and even more important for Sawyer to hear that his big brother loves and misses him. Sawyer is always asking, "Go see Abby?" So it was also great for Abby, who wasn't phased at all by Sawyer's appearance, to let him know she was there.
#prayingforsawyer
By the way...#prayingforsawyer has received an amazing amount of reposts! Thank you Miss Jennifer for gaining so much more support!
Friday, June 13, 6:30am:
Thank goodness I'm not superstitious. Sawyer's MRI/MRS is scheduled for 7:00 this morning. He had a great night last night and is even taking one of his own breaths every minute, though not quite consistently, but still so proud of our little guy! The MRI/MRS should take roughly 3 hours, so we're going to take this time to go see Logan and shower up. We won't get the results back for a day according to the doctors, so please use today to pray for his brain. He's proven everybody wrong with every turn, so we need you all to make sure God shows doctors just how strong and resilient Bam Bam can be. We've been praying that God threw a layer of protection over Sawyer during his time under, so let this be true! We need to see these baby blues again.
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#prayingforsawyer
Thank goodness I'm not superstitious. Sawyer's MRI/MRS is scheduled for 7:00 this morning. He had a great night last night and is even taking one of his own breaths every minute, though not quite consistently, but still so proud of our little guy! The MRI/MRS should take roughly 3 hours, so we're going to take this time to go see Logan and shower up. We won't get the results back for a day according to the doctors, so please use today to pray for his brain. He's proven everybody wrong with every turn, so we need you all to make sure God shows doctors just how strong and resilient Bam Bam can be. We've been praying that God threw a layer of protection over Sawyer during his time under, so let this be true! We need to see these baby blues again.
#prayingforsawyer
Thursday, June 12, 2014
We really want to say thank you to all of you. We are overwhelmed with all of the love our baby has out there. Thank you to our family - without you we would be lost. Your ever present support, love and presence keeps us all sane. Thank you so much to all of our friends who have continued to come each day to see Bam Bam and bring us snacks and water for the haul. Thank you to the Mesa View and Chili's staff that so quickly setup a chain of command to support us in the long run. You guys are all so amazing. Thank you God for giving us yet another day with our baby boy.
#prayingforsawyer
#prayingforsawyer
Thursday, June 12 @ 8:30pm:
We're ending our day here. Sawyer is content with his progress right now, continuing to quietly heal. The tube in his nose is a bit small so it makes a wheezing sound. It's as if he's lying there snoring as he so often does. The nurses and doctors continue to monitor his leg. We were told that the color of the muscle returned to normal color immediately after the incision was made. So all is good on the leg front. Sawyer is still on Morphine for the pain (which is great that the doctors think he is responding to pain), so he hasn't been given the opportunity to make any muscular movements yet. His doctor is hoping to wean him off of the ventilator in just a few days, which seems miraculous to us. Keep praying for Sawyer, especially with concerns to his brain. God and the amazing medical team here, with probably a pinch of help from Sawyer himself, are working endlessly to heal his body.
#prayingforsawyer
We're ending our day here. Sawyer is content with his progress right now, continuing to quietly heal. The tube in his nose is a bit small so it makes a wheezing sound. It's as if he's lying there snoring as he so often does. The nurses and doctors continue to monitor his leg. We were told that the color of the muscle returned to normal color immediately after the incision was made. So all is good on the leg front. Sawyer is still on Morphine for the pain (which is great that the doctors think he is responding to pain), so he hasn't been given the opportunity to make any muscular movements yet. His doctor is hoping to wean him off of the ventilator in just a few days, which seems miraculous to us. Keep praying for Sawyer, especially with concerns to his brain. God and the amazing medical team here, with probably a pinch of help from Sawyer himself, are working endlessly to heal his body.
#prayingforsawyer
Most of you have heard by now, our little Bam Bam has gotten himself into one fine pickle.
On Monday, June 9th, we found that Sawyer had climbed himself into the pool without his floaties while we were in the front yard. While we're not sure exactly how long he was in the pool (no more than 5 minutes most likely), doctors are estimating that from the time of our 911 call to the time his little heart started beating again that 32 minutes had passed. So we know we're asking for miracles here, but we've seen a few already.
After being admitted to Loma Linda, where we have had the best nurses and doctors rallying behind us and helping our little guy to heal, Sawyer has had two full cardiac arrests, but was able to fight his way back to us through resuscitation. After those episodes, he's been relatively "stably unstable."
Wednesday was a big day for us all. Sawyer not only stabilized his blood pressure, allowing nurses to take him off of all blood pressure meds, but he was also able to make the transition from the oscillator to the ventilator breathing apparatus. This was a huge step, showing that our little man's lungs are healing nicely. So yay! Everything was looking up. Or so we thought...
Wednesday afternoon he developed a blood clot in his left leg, just below the knee. He was originally on 4 different blood pressure medications that were pushing all of the blood up to his heart, plus had several lines inserted in his left leg. These are most likely the causes of the clot. Needless to say, the lower leg became very swollen, stiff, cold, and mottled. Doctors decided that surgery was necessary to release the pressure, so within the hour, Sawyer was wheeled down to the OR where two incisions were made from knee to ankle on either side of his calf. The operation was successful and we can now hear a strong pulse in the bottom of his left foot. On a side note...doctors should never use the word "amputation" unless 112% necessary.
So it is now Thursday and we are continuing to watch Sawyer improve. We're hoping and praying that he stops giving us more hills to climb as we're still battling the large mountain. Tomorrow we are scheduled for an MRI and MRS of the brain to see what, if any, activity is occurring. The doctor said today that Sawyer's neurologist reported that while there's not much, there is some activity. All we can do is pray at this point that our little fighter continues to battle. If anyone can make it through this, it is Sawyer. All of you who have met him, even for just a short time, know how true this rings.
I will continue to update you all on his progressions. Thank you so much for all of the support, prayers, and love that you have all provided. We are really amazed at just how blessed our little family is.
On Monday, June 9th, we found that Sawyer had climbed himself into the pool without his floaties while we were in the front yard. While we're not sure exactly how long he was in the pool (no more than 5 minutes most likely), doctors are estimating that from the time of our 911 call to the time his little heart started beating again that 32 minutes had passed. So we know we're asking for miracles here, but we've seen a few already.
After being admitted to Loma Linda, where we have had the best nurses and doctors rallying behind us and helping our little guy to heal, Sawyer has had two full cardiac arrests, but was able to fight his way back to us through resuscitation. After those episodes, he's been relatively "stably unstable."
Wednesday was a big day for us all. Sawyer not only stabilized his blood pressure, allowing nurses to take him off of all blood pressure meds, but he was also able to make the transition from the oscillator to the ventilator breathing apparatus. This was a huge step, showing that our little man's lungs are healing nicely. So yay! Everything was looking up. Or so we thought...
Wednesday afternoon he developed a blood clot in his left leg, just below the knee. He was originally on 4 different blood pressure medications that were pushing all of the blood up to his heart, plus had several lines inserted in his left leg. These are most likely the causes of the clot. Needless to say, the lower leg became very swollen, stiff, cold, and mottled. Doctors decided that surgery was necessary to release the pressure, so within the hour, Sawyer was wheeled down to the OR where two incisions were made from knee to ankle on either side of his calf. The operation was successful and we can now hear a strong pulse in the bottom of his left foot. On a side note...doctors should never use the word "amputation" unless 112% necessary.
So it is now Thursday and we are continuing to watch Sawyer improve. We're hoping and praying that he stops giving us more hills to climb as we're still battling the large mountain. Tomorrow we are scheduled for an MRI and MRS of the brain to see what, if any, activity is occurring. The doctor said today that Sawyer's neurologist reported that while there's not much, there is some activity. All we can do is pray at this point that our little fighter continues to battle. If anyone can make it through this, it is Sawyer. All of you who have met him, even for just a short time, know how true this rings.
I will continue to update you all on his progressions. Thank you so much for all of the support, prayers, and love that you have all provided. We are really amazed at just how blessed our little family is.
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