It has taken me forever to write this last post. Yes, the last one. I’ve debated back and forth on whether or not to keep this going, but my final decision came when I noticed just how long it’s been between posts. I think that’s a good thing. Less often do I need to vent because I just can’t hold it together any longer. Do we still have our days? Of course. I don’t think that will every go away. There will always be something that puts some thought into my head that just makes me fall apart. A while ago I had a horrible thought on the way to work. When the funeral home received Sawyer’s body, the director asked me what happened to his leg. I guess the doctors never sewed it up after his fasciotomy, before transfer. So that made me think (which is never good), do they care? Once he’s off life support and behind closed doors, is it just a body and not a beautiful little boy to them? Just something to move about and transfer here or there, not a Bam Bam who laughed, loved, destroyed, could devour an entire watermelon or a whole bag of powdered donuts in one sitting? Not a little boy who held his mommy’s hand in such a particular way every night, who fought going to sleep or wearing clothes or putting his carseat buckles on? So that thought haunted me all day long, leaving me on eggshells, but of course, one of my coworkers could tell something was wrong and after I shared this nightmare with her, she assured me that’s not how it is, especially with little ones. And so now I refuse to think any more about it. I am going to trust her advice and put that thought away. I wish I could put so many others away.

It has officially been one year. I thought I would be okay on the one year anniversary because I just kept thinking that 365 days is no different than 364 or even 2 for that matter. One day without my Sawyer is eternity. However, I was more fragile than I expected. I didn’t want to talk or think about it. I almost started crying in front of my students when I looked at his beautiful picture on my desk, which has only happened once before. I’m usually pretty strong and relatively emotionless in public…other than being hilarious of course. I have good friends though. They came in and just made sure I was okay at several points during the day, trying to be completely inconspicuous about the whole thing, but they’re too good of people for me to think it was coincidental.

So June 9^th was here and another summer was about to begin. I had planned to leave school as soon as possible, pick up Logan from after-school club, get Matt and Everett from home, head down to take an orange balloon (which still makes me tear up every time I go to checkout with one little balloon) and some orange flowers to Sawyer, and then go home, finish his quilt and spend the rest of the night wrapped up in it. But instead of picking up Logan before I went home, I decided to get my other boys first, so Logan would have a little extra time to play with his buddies Evan and Aidan before summer vacation. As I walk in the front door, Matt is just hanging up the phone. Logan’s school called. He fell off the monkey bars and hurt his wrist. And by “hurt his wrist,” I mean that he is now spending his entire summer in a cast. Just 5 minutes difference. If I had just picked him up before heading home. If I had wondered “where’s Sawyer” just 5 minutes earlier or just taken out the stupid ladder. June 9^th is officially the worst day of the year.

I did get his quilt done that night though. Before sewing it up completely, I sewed a personal letter from Mommy to Sawyer inside. So it’s our little secret, all the things I wish I could have said to him, all the wishes I have for him and for this family. It’s so easy to believe something when you don’t have to analyze or think critically about it. I have always believed in Heaven, but after this, I don’t know how to anymore. I’ve been forced to think about the details far too seriously. Will he be two forever? So I will never get to hear him talk or see how beautiful of a man he would have become? Will I be old and he won’t even recognize me? Will he expect to be able to play with Logan, even though he’ll be old when he makes his way up there? Some people have said we’re not in our body form, we’re just souls up there. Well that makes even less sense to me. And what about children who have passed away as infants or were born with mental deficiencies? Are they the same way in Heaven? I hope and hope and wish and wish (and maybe even pray someday) that I am wrong and that I will see him again someday. I don’t know how or what it would be like, but I do hope that Heaven is real.

Logan talks about Heaven and God all the time. I always reinforce their reality to him in hopes that he will grow up believing, though I don’t know why that’s so important to me at this point. Logan asked me one day how to make a web. After some teeth pulling, I finally discovered that he wanted to make a blog on the web. So he has actually started a blog. I am amazed at what a talented writer he is. His imagination never ceases to amaze me, but the wordage and phrases he was using are impressive for a 6 year old. He currently has two blogs going – very slow going since he has to search quite a while for the letters – “All About Sawyer” and “All About Me.” Here they are:

“All About Sawyer”

“On the tenth day of summer my brother sawyer past away. We wished that sawyer would live. On that day he had his last breath. Sawyer past away 11 months ago we love Sawyer so much. I love sawyer so much sawyer is very speshul to me. Sawyer Died wen he was 2 years old. Sawyer was born on The tenth day of July. I was 3 years old on that day. On That day we were at Palm Springs.”

Some of the details aren’t quite right, and of course his spelling and grammar are that of a 6 year old (thought he did ask me to help him spell several words), but I am so impressed with his heart – always.

“All About Me”

“3 weeks ago i got chores. My chores are Make bed, floss teeth, feed pets, pick up dog poop, pick up toys in and out, vacuum, and mop. My favorite talent is Swimming. Because you Exercise. My mom love my Heart so does dad they love My heart so much. My best Friend is Shane. When we were In daycare. I saw him and he saw Me we thought we should Best friends. My brother Everett is fussy and fun And drinks a lot. I am the Big brother.”

Pretty amazing right? I love this kid. He can always make me smile – scream as well – but always smile.

He is pure joy, frustration, and pride. I am so proud of everything he has been able to do and overcome. Even having said that, I still don’t believe that things happen for a reason. There is just no good reason that my little guy was taken. None. However…IF there is someone out there watching, giving us signs, Everett is that sign. I couldn’t have asked for a happier baby. He practically came out smiling, and if you don’t believe me, look at my Facebook pictures. He is literally happy in every one…okay, minus the video Logan took of him crying in Slo-Mo. But I really think we wouldn’t have come as far as we have without this little man. He looks into your eyes like he’s speaking to you. It is such an amazing bond that I would have never thought I could have felt again. So thank you to whoever gave us this perfect, chunky, beautiful baby boy. He is a blessing.

So even though I hate to admit it, we are doing a little better. I feel guilty even saying it, but I know it’s inevitable. I don’t think it’s time that heals, however. Again, 1 day is as painful as 365. It’s the people that surround you that heal your broken heart. It’s the curly-haired boy that acts tough in the day, but hates to sleep in his own bed without being able to snuggle with you at night. It’s the parents and siblings that come over and help out around the house or babysit just to take some stress off your plate. It’s the friends that give you a wordless hug, a small text message, or a little note to let you know they’re thinking about you. It’s the neighbors who bring you flowers even though you’ve never met. The coworkers that surprise you with a forever tree or cater your hospital stay. It's the 322,397 pageviews by both people you love and complete strangers that have somehow come to love reading your jumbled thoughts. Heck, it’s even the dog that went through pregnancy simultaneously with you, just to later remind you that she can still hop your fence and escape. It’s the husband that ignores your OCD “keep my house clean” attitude while the kitchen table is covered in your sewing projects. It’s the little angel that we hadn’t planned for, that came at exactly the right time in our lives to bring us joy and hope that we can still succeed as parents – to remind us that no matter what we think, we’re not complete failures, we’re just human. And Sawyer baby, it’s you. You have made us stronger in every way possible. We would not be the same without everything you have done and I hope continue to do. Thank you for always being my special Bam Bam. Even though my writing has come to an end, I will continue to talk to you all the time. I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and always. We are here, missing you. Loving you. Wishing you were here. Forever and always my love. xoxo