Where has this summer gone? We had so many great summer vacation plans that just weren't able to happen. Right now we're in Colorado, visiting my sisters and attending our friends' wedding. For the first time since Sawyer's funeral we've had to leave Logan. He's at my sister's house, playing and having fun with cousins, while we're attending the wedding about 3.5 hours south. The first night away he called crying, saying that he wanted to be with us. We really almost hopped back in the car to drive the hours to go pick him up. He is still sleeping in our bed, mashed between Matt and I, each night. So this is the first time he hasn't been able to fall asleep with one of us rubbing his face or singing to him since Sawyer. It's hard for all three of us to not have him here. He did better last night though, so one more night away and then we'll be making the trip back to him. It's kind of funny, we try so hard as parents to keep our children out of our bed and in their own (which I admit, I was never very good at), but these last weeks, almost months now, we've wanted Logan by our side every second.

Gosh I can't believe it's been almost two months since that horrible day. I have dreams of him almost every night. In the last one, I was walking around his preschool playground, looking at all of the kids and knowing that I wouldn't find be able to Sawyer among them. Then I see a little boy, with perfectly straight white-blonde hair sitting with his back to me, playing with the same yellow truck that Logan tucked into Sawyer's casket with him. I stopped walking and just stared at this little boy, knowing that it couldn't be my Bam Bam, and then he turned his head to look at me and it was my baby. He got up and ran to me, saying "Mommy!" just like he used to do when I'd pick him up from preschool. I grabbed him and just held him, swinging him back and forth in my arms, forever. He never once tried to wiggle his way out of my arms and back down to the ground so he could run and grab his backpack and open the preschool door like he always had to. He was content in my arms, and I wouldn't have let him go for anything. But then I had to wake up. I always seem to have to wake up, no matter how happy I am in my dreams. I used to hate the nights, knowing that as soon as all movement and sound stopped, I'd be filled with visions of the day. Visions of what he was thinking, feeling, trying to say...nightmare visions. But now, I am able to close my eyes and know that he'll visit me in my dreams. Even though I'm usually conscious that he's gone in the dream, he is always there, alive and well and happy as always.

Happy as always. He was a pistol, but such a happy boy. He was so easy to please. What makes certain days harder than most are the days where we do things with Logan that I know Sawyer would just love. We took Logan on a gondola ride up in Breckenridge which Sawyer would have loved. He would have loved the giant bungee trampoline at the top that Logan bounced on. And yes, we would have paid another ridiculous $16 fee for a 5 minute bounce for him too. We went to Water World the other day. That was the hardest of all, because we all know his love for water play. Logan was scared to go on nearly every ride, but I could only imagine Sawyer dragging us from ride to ride, always wanting more excitement, more adventure, more fun. He was so fun, so happy, so perfect. We're still waiting for the days to get easier, but I am at least feeling somewhat content that my nights aren't filled with grief, anxiety, and fear anymore. I get to see him, happy, smiling, alive, in my dreams.

I love you to the moon and back baby. To infinity and beyond. Forever and Always.