Well the first day of work has come and gone. I managed to hold it together just long enough for the presenter at our professional development training to show about 15 pictures and tell 23 stories of her beautiful, healthy, happy grandchildren...of which 9 of them are adorable little boys. She told a story about one of them having a learning disorder and the teacher telling the child that something is just wrong with his brain. So the child asks his grandma, "Do you think that when I'm sweating it's my brain crying?" That's when I lost it. I had to step out of the MPR for a few minutes to let myself go. Note to self - don't wear gray t-shirts anymore, my teardrops looked like I drooled all over myself. I do live in a great community and have a great support system at school, for which I am so grateful though. I have a great roster this year and a good schedule, so I think getting myself back into some kind of routine will be helpful. Plus, we just found out that Logan's good friend is in his first grade class with him. He definitely needs some time with friends, and to have the chance to focus on learning new things. Matt will also return to work on Monday.
So this new existence of "normal" life is beginning. Matt will take Logan to school for his first day of first grade (sometimes it stinks being a teacher, missing these little moments), and though I'm sad I won't be there to see him off, it will only remind me that we only have one little guy to drop off every morning from now on. We will leave our home, drive down to Logan's school, then drive by the preschool where Sawyer should be heading back to each and every morning. We're sad, devastated, depressed, but mostly, still so angry about it all. Why? Why our little boy? We were just swimming that morning, having a great time. He had his floaties on all morning and all throughout lunch. Why did we have to take them off out on the deck and not by the pool? Why did I not think about the ladder still being in the pool? Why did we not notice that he'd been out of site for so long? Why couldn't he have pushed off the bottom and taken a breath? Grab the ladder? Grab one of the noodles still floating in the pool? Why? Why? Why? I will never understand this. I will never believe that "things happen for a reason." I will never think that Heaven is a better place for him than my arms. I will never. I will never so many things, but most of all, I will never be the same. Our family will never be the same.
I have watched this video a million times. Every time I can only think that we were scheduled for swimming lesson in just a week. One more week.
Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts. My heart hurts for you and the pain you and your family are going through. I just want to say how brave you and your family are in striving to continue to live your lives the best way you can. Difficult things happen in everyone's life and you either fall apart from it or lift yourself up and continue to live your life for yourself and your loved ones. I can imagine that inside you are fallen apart and I just hope that and know that you will be better everyday and that sometimes you will have terrible moments and that's ok. I can't even imagine. I have a 3 yr old little boy. His birthday was in June. I can't imagine anything like this ever happening to him but I know we aren't immune to it, it's scary. I just wanted to say that I feel your pain and I think of you and your family everyday and pray that you keep strong and moving forward. I think of your little guy and know that he's in a safe place and I think he must know how much you are hurting....I'm sure your strength also comes from his love for you. God Bless you and although we don't know each other, from mother to mother, I send you my love and will continue to think of your family and your little guy Sawyer.
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