Hi baby. I sure missed you on Mother's Day. We've been separated for 11 months now and I just can't believe that. Last year we were going to go camping up at Lake Siskiyou, but the accident happened just before we were to leave. We were so excited to take you on that vacation. You were finally at the age where you really loved, and showed your love, for being outdoors and having fun. We've decided that we're going to make good on those vacation plans though. This summer, at the one year mark of your leaving, we will be on that vacation. Instead of being home and focusing on the fact that you've been gone for a year, we're going to try to find some joy. I am going to take a lock of your hair and place it in Lake Siskiyou. You loved the water and I know you would have loved the lake. So we will take you there, what little we have left of you, and let you swim. My baby, how you loved to swim.

I sat with your baby brother, Everett, in your favorite kiddie pool in Palm Springs the other day. It is hard to go to the pool, something that took you from us, but it's something we can't take away from Logan. He is a water baby, just like you. Besides, every time we're there, we share the many memories we have of the silly things you would do there. Every time we changed you into dry clothes, you would run right back to the pool and jump in. We always made sure to have several extra clothes, just in case. You would always throw rocks in the fountain and then run away, leaving Mommy or Daddy to fish them out. You loved finding the hidden toys in the filter drain. So spunky. We are going to take your brothers to swimming lessons every summer from now on. Logan is swimming really well now, but it couldn't hurt to get even better. Everett already loves the water as much as you do. His favorite is bath time. He loves the warm water and how his feet make splashing sounds when he kicks. Because of this early love for water, lessons are a must for him. And we'll definitely not wait until the middle of summer as we had planned with you. I always wonder if the lessons you never got to take would have made a difference. I wonder lots of things. Too many things. But you already know this from our little one-on-one talks. I didn't get to talk to you too much on Mother's Day. It's too hard for Logan to see Mommy cry, and Daddy doesn't like to linger too long at your grave. Daddy is doing okay, but still cries often when we think and talk about you. You were such a blessing to us baby.

I finally saw your sandbox at school. It's big and beautiful. You would love it. Your plaque says, "Sawyer's Sandbox - May all who play here receive the same joy and love that was left behind." It's beautiful. I wish you could play in it and try to eat all the sand like you used to. It's not as hard as I thought it would be to walk into your school to drop off Everett. I still look at your cubby each time, remembering the last time I picked up your projects from it. Do you remember what it was? You had painted and glittered a rock. It sits on your window sill in your room now. I love and cherish it. It's so colorful, just like you. We're definitely lucky to have those teachers of yours. I'm so comfortable leaving your baby brother with them. I can't wait until he's old enough to play in your sandbox, and even understand that it is dedicated to his very own big brother. So special. I saw Hannah's parents the other day. Do you remember Hannah? How you would protect her? She was so special to you. Her little brother looks so much like you. He has your bright white straight hair. I walked in and he caught my breath the other day. He was wearing a graphic hoodie that reminded me so much of you in your Spiderman one. I loved you in that sweatshirt. I loved you in everything...even your birthday suit.

I'm sorry I haven't written for so long baby. Everett has been keeping us busy and bringing some joy back into our lives. We still think of you everyday and miss you to the moon and back, but your baby brother is doing his best to put some smiles on our faces. He really is a happy baby. Daddy wants to have another one, a girl, so that Everett doesn't grow up without a little playmate. Mommy isn't so sure yet. I was so scared to have a baby again, but Everett is being so good (even sleeping pretty good already) that I may consider it in the future. We'll see though. I don't think I'll be able to make a decision on that until Everett is your age. It's just too scary. I'm still haunted one single fear - how are we supposed to watch and keep two toddlers safe when we couldn't even do it with one? You. I'm so sorry baby. Mommy and Daddy love you so much. I know you know that. I won't wait so long to write again honey. Keep looking after baby Allyson. I can tell her parents miss her so much. Her little grave is always so decorated with beautiful things. I'm glad she has you to play with. I love you baby. To the moon and back. Forever and always. Loving you, missing you, wishing you were here. xoxoxo

Mother's Day 2015

 

Your beautiful sandbox

My baby boys <3