When we found out we were pregnant I wanted nothing more than the little man to come out two years old, hungry for life, with a personality all his own. I wanted him to be able to run and play, keep Logan company, hug, kiss, and say, "I love you Mommy." I wasn't looking forward to a newborn baby again. We had gotten rid of the crib, diapers, and all things baby for a reason. We were full and happy with our little family. I enjoyed getting a full night's sleep and the freedom of children who could walk, use the bathroom, and feed themselves...I would say dress themselves as well, but we all know Sawyer put more effort into the undressing of himself (along with the scattering of his stripped clothes all over the house and yard). I wanted my toddler back. I knew he wouldn't be Sawyer in any way, shape, or form (nobody can mimic that kid), but I wanted something similar to the life we already had, not a baby.

And then March 15th came and this perfect little body was put in my arms. And when I say perfect, I really mean perfect. Not only is everything where it belongs, but he is healthy, happy, and already so inquisitive. He loves rocking on the deck in my arms and just looking around. His eyes are always wandering. He loves the wind too. He lifts his head and chin and closes his eyes to feel it better. I love that. His brown hair is falling out now to make way for the blonde. It's falling out front to back, which is pretty unusual and makes for an interesting look (kind of like his dad before I made him just shave his head). He loves his perfect little feet kissed and played with, which I do often as I'm slightly obsessed with them. And hungry. This kid can eat. Not that that's a surprise to anyone who has known my boys from birth. He is filling out his little wrinkly knees and elbows while plumping up his perfectly round head. He is content to sit for small amounts of time and just take in the world around him. He really is a happy baby (especially when he's eating). I've captured so many of his little baby smiles already. I think Logan may be the most in love though. I caught him singing our lullaby to him, which brought tears to my eyes.

I was finally able to sing the Hush, Little Baby lullaby song again the night we brought Everett home. I used to sing it all the time to the boys when I tucked them in or when they were just curled up on my lap. The last time I sang it was to Sawyer on the morning of June 17th. They moved him from a crib to a bed in the hospital so that I could lie next to him. I curled up as close as I could, ran my fingers through his hair with one hand, held on tight to his other hand, hoping for a twitch or some sign that he could hear me, and sang this song to him over and over, crying through the lyrics. After all has been said and done, I think that was the saddest moment of my life. Worse than actually burying my baby. It was the moment that I realized when the song came to an end, I wouldn't get his precious smile and wet kiss that always sealed the song. I still can't think about that moment without having to take deep breaths. We had already gotten the news that he wasn't my Bam Bam anymore, and I knew that when I stood up from that bed, I would never get to lie down and sing to him again. So many never agains, but for some reason, this one memory breaks my heart all over again every single time. Yet when we came home with Everett and lied down in bed, everything inside of me knew that I had to teach this precious baby the song that my mom sang to me as a child. As soon as I began, Logan looked over, crawled over to me, and put his head on my shoulder, staring down at Everett too. He is in love. It brings a joy that I thought I'd never feel again to see Logan love like this, feel the responsibility and honor of being Big Brother. I smile.

We took Everett into the Learning Zoo, the preschool that took such good care of our boys, to meet the teachers that he will spend part of his days with when I have to return to work. Nothing is better than trusting the people you have to leave your babies with each day. The school is doing a fundraiser this month, collecting shoes and clothes in order to help pay for their new playground. As soon as I heard this, I finally knew what to do. I've struggled with what to do with Sawyer's clothes since the day I had to open up those drawers again. I didn't want to just give them away to Salvation Army and I wouldn't be able to dress Everett in them, so what better way than to give back to the school that Sawyer absolutely loved. In this way, Sawyer is giving something to his baby brother, which I know he would love to do, and that makes me happy. Everett will get to play in the sandbox that they have dedicated to Sawyer, and now he'll also get to play on the equipment that he is helping to purchase. It was still hard to give away some of his things, especially those he wore most often, but I was able to do it...mostly. I kept his favorite shoes, sandals, and swim trunks, plus most of his t-shirts are going (slowly but surely) into the quilt I'm making.

It's been a long time since we've felt like this. We are far from healed and still cry often, a lot lately it seems, but a new piece of our hearts has grown in. The hole torn from the loss of Sawyer will never ever be filled, but new love can grow around it, and it has. This was the thought I was having this morning while I was listening to Pandora as I got ready. Two songs played back-to-back, the first of which made me bawl my eyes out, but the second left me with hope, fear also, but mostly hope:

Carried Underwood's Just a Dream:
Baby, why'd you leave me? Why'd you have to go?
I was counting on forever, now I'll never know.
I can't even breathe.
It's like I'm looking from a distance,
Standing in the background.
Everybody's saying, he's not coming home now.
This can't be happening to me.
This is just a dream.

Rascal Flatts' My Wish:
My wish for you is that life becomes all that you want it to.
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small.
You never need to carry more than you can hold.
And while you're out there gettin' where you're gettin' to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
And wants the same things too.
Yea this is my wish.

Thank you Sawyer. Thank you for giving us so many wonderful and happy moments. You are such a unique little boy that brings so much joy to all those around with your independent and stubborn little attitude that is always followed by your shoulder-shrugging smile. You melt hearts with your baby blues. You are now and will forever be some of my best and favorite memories. Your baby brother will get to know and love you through the many stories we will tell forever on. You have left your mark and you continue to do so. I love you so much. I miss your smiles, hugs, kisses, and deep voiced "I love you's." More than you can ever know. Loving you, missing you, wishing you were here, forever and always, to the moon and back. xoxo