We've been holding off on announcing it, not quite ready to celebrate anything, especially another baby, but we are pregnant. We're expecting another baby boy on March 19.

There's so many mixed feelings going on between us. I was completely against having another baby. Our hands were full with our two boys, and honestly, I'm not the happiest pregnant person ever. Yet all that changed in the blink of an eye. Matt said to me on the night we said our final goodbyes to Sawyer that he wasn't ready to not hear "Daddy" anymore; not ready to not have a little guy toddling around his feet; not ready to be done with all things baby. And with those words we decided to start trying again. Little did we know, we were somehow already pregnant. The world works in mysterious ways, and this one is definitely a mystery to us. We're happy though. It's taken me up until yesterday to actually be excited at the thought of a baby though. I couldn't shake the thought of just not being deserving of another try. We failed Sawyer, why should we be given the chance to put another life in our hands? We are so scared. Babies are so fragile, and we're just so frightened to mess up again. And while we're still scared of that thought, I do need a baby. Logan needs a brother, seven year difference or not. People would ask if we wanted a girl or a boy and Matt would immediately reply, "Boy." I didn't have a preference at all - probably because I still wasn't really ready for another chance. However, yesterday we had our first trimester ultrasound where the sex was visible. I didn't know how badly I wanted a boy until she said that's what we're having. Matt is thrilled and so am I. For Matt, Sawyer was his athlete. He was rough and tough and eager to please. He loved baseball, he loved basketball. He loved sports. Matt wants that back. For me, I don't really know what it is. I keep hoping and hoping that this new little life will have a piece of Sawyer. I think that must be why it was important to me to have a boy. I know he won't be Sawyer, but if he could just have those big blue eyes, or that straight white hair, or those big mommy teeth, then I would have my piece of Sawyer. I just need a piece of him that I can hold onto. A piece that I can see, feel, hold. I miss him so much. He seems so far away. He really is just memories and stories now, and it's just not right. Nothing feels right about it.

Logan is helping me to get excited about this new baby though. He sits next to me with his hand on my belly (which is already ridiculously large by the way), and constantly gives us name suggestions. So far his number one choice is "cutie." We may be overruling that. Either way, here we are, starting again from the beginning it seems. Strollers, carseats, bottles, diapers - everything we thought we were done with. Bittersweet. I finally understand the truth behind that word.