July 10, 2014:

My baby should be three today. He should have snuck into our room this morning, stood right next to our bed, breathed his baby boy morning breath on my face for at least a good 30 seconds before he patted my leg, "Mommy. Mommy." Pause as I continue to pretend to still be sleeping, then the patting turns to shaking, "Mommy. Mommy." I should have popped my eyes open and planted a big kiss on him, scaring him enough to make him scream and wake the rest of the house. Should have. Instead we awoke to a quiet house again. Instead we awoke to his pictures on the wall, not to his face next to mine.

Yesterday was the one month marker from the day of the accident. I thought things were supposed to get easier. Time is supposed to heal. These wounds seem as fresh as the dirt on his tiny grave. He lies next to Allyson Grace Franklin, who was only a day old. Sawyer was always so good with babies. He loved nurturing them, which I know, shocks everyone. Bam Bam did actually have a soft side. And it was wonderful. At school he always wanted to help feed the babies their bottles, so I hope that he is helping to take care of little Allyson in Heaven.

Sawyer was definitely independent, but he loved to help. One of his favorite things to do was to help take the trash down to the street. As odd as it seems to think of him while taking out the trash, I don't think a week will go by that trash day doesn't remind us of him. I have mentioned before that our only regret in life will be those few minutes where we didn't realize that Sawyer wasn't with us, but that's not true. So many regrets. I regret not giving him the opportunity to play baseball. He was going to be amazing. We all thought he was going to be a lefty too. He would've given us so much trouble in school with his little rebellious attitude. Though we always used to imagine that sometime during his school days, he would meet a girl who would bring out his loving, sensitive side, and gone would be our Bam Bam. He would simply be our Sawyer, our handsome Sawyer. Gosh he was handsome. I'm sorry that I'll never get to see what a heartbreaker he would have grown up to be. So sorry that I'll never get to meet his first girlfriend, never come to know his best friends, never hug his new wife or have a mother-son dance at his wedding. I'll never even get to teach him to tie his shoelaces. So many regrets, too many nevers. I can already hear my family members saying, "Think of the great things you did do with him. Think of the fun vacations he had, and all of the love that he knew he had." And we try. We really do, but as said before, whenever we try to think of Sawyer before June 9, June 9 forces its way in and takes over.

Our lives exist only of before and after June 9.

Do we have hope that we will heal and only think of wonderful memories of Sawyer someday? Sure. Someday. His third birthday, however, is not that day yet. Thank you Learning Zoo for celebrating him at school today. He would've loved the cupcakes and the party hat. He would have loved the attention. Happy Birthday baby. Mommy, Daddy, and Logan love you so much.