Well our first Christmas without you has come and gone. The actual day was surrounded by family so it wasn't too hard. The morning, however, watching Logan open up all of his gifts, not having to read the labels to decide if they were for you or for him was hard. We brought the stockings up the night before to watch Logan open up his stocking stuffers in bed when he awoke. I thought this was a cute idea until we walked downstairs and I saw your empty stocking still hanging. I will always hang yours for you, but seeing it hanging there so empty is not easy baby. I had to take it down today so I wouldn't keep staring at it. After Logan finished opening his gifts and began playing with them, Daddy and I started talking, wondering what we would have bought for you this year, wondering what you would have been playing with most Christmas morning, and finally wondering how many of Logan's toys you would have broken by now.

We went to visit with you on Christmas Eve. There were so many beautiful decorations set around the baby section. It just doesn't seem right that so many parents have had to bury their babies. So many people have tried to offer comfort in the idea that you're spending Christmas in Heaven this year, but it doesn't help. We are here without you and you are elsewhere without us. It's been said so many times that there is nothing stronger than the love of a mother for her children. This I believe. This is why it doesn't matter where you are - you're not here with me and that cannot be justified or cured by any thought or belief. It just can't.

I just read another story of a little girl who went under the water during her bath for too long. Her mom and dad went through the same highs of hopes and lows of realizations that we did for a week at Loma Linda as well. I wonder if she had the same nurses that you did. That must be the hardest job in the world. I couldn't face that day in and day out - even the ones they save couldn't possibly make up for watching little angels like you fade away. Having to watch the parents walk out of the room for the last time would never get easier. I still see you lying in that bed. I kept imagining you opening your eyes, looking at me and smiling, then crying because you would have hated all those tubes everywhere. I remember lying next to you in that bed, singing your favorite lullaby, and then your hand twitched. I froze, thinking for sure that you heard me. You were reacting to me. You were waking. But then your vitals went crazy and the nurses had to come in and adjust your medication because your body was failing. So many false hopes.

I'm sorry to relive this again sweetheart, it's so hard not to though. This has been such an emotional month, just constantly wondering what you would be doing, how many words you'd be saying by now. It's simply not right that you can't sit here and cuddle under this blanket with me. I want you here. I want you to feel your baby brother kicking and moving around. Guess what else? Ella is going to have puppies soon too. Two pregnant mommies in the same house. It's going to get pretty crowded around here, and the answer is no - Logan has already asked to keep them. Hopefully we'll find homes for all of the puppies before your baby brother comes around. I love you Sawyer. I will come visit you again on New Year's Day. I will bring one of your favorite books and we can talk more about the puppies and how Ella is doing. I love you baby. Forever and always. xoxo

I look at this picture now and think about how lively you were. Always being a goof and making us laugh. I also think about how I'm pretty sure your cheeks are covered in either food or dirt in every picture I've ever posted of you. My boy. I miss you so.