Well, we had a pretty good week, which usually means we're looking at a tough week coming up, but maybe we'll get lucky. I've shed a few tears either to or from work every day this last week, but I was able to stay in a good mood throughout the days and nights. I've been thinking about the new baby a lot. I think he's gonna be another active boy as he's already kicking a ton. We had our second trimester ultrasound and he was being difficult for the technician, so I'm already looking forward to meeting this little firecracker. I keep asking for him to have some pieces of Sawyer (mostly physical), but so far it's looking like we're going to have another "all boy" boy on our hands. We are looking forward to some noise around here. I think Matt is getting his athlete.

I finally had another dream with Sawyer the other night. He shows up in dreams often, but it's as if nothing is different, he's just there. I look forward to the dreams where I'm partly conscious that things have changed, so I always grab him and hold him because that's all I want to do. In this last one, he popped up from behind something and started wiggling his fingers at me, trying to be scary (maybe Halloween is on my mind), but he had this huge smile on his face that was anything but frightening. That smile warmed my heart so much. I picked him up and all he said was "I love you Mommy" over and over again. It wasn't in the deep voice he usually says it in, but it was so clear. I remember trying to record it on my phone in the dream, because I wish I could hear those words again. So badly. I'm so thankful that his teacher, Jennifer, sent me a few recordings of him. In one he is saying "I love you," and in the other he is listening for me at the door and says, "Mommy." So I listen to and watch those two videos consecutively every single morning. It starts my day off with me able to hear "I love you Mommy" from my baby.

We made it past the first holiday that he loved, "fireworks day," less than a month after his death, but I know next Friday is going to be even more rough. We had such a great Halloween last year. Sawyer would never stay by our side, so we were extremely nervous walking through crowds of kids on dark streets that night. He surprised us all though. He stayed right next to Logan and his cousin Abby, walking house to house with his little Scooby Doo mask and treat bag. He did try to eat every piece of candy after each house, but he was so good. The next two months, between Halloween, Thanksgiving, and of course, Christmas, are going to be the 2nd toughest months of our lives. It will only help that we'll be surrounded by friends and family most of the time. So to those of you still following our story, and still keeping us in your prayers, please pray for two things: that this baby continues to grow into a happy, healthy little boy; and that we can survive these next few months.

I haven't gotten back to the praying point yet. While every piece of me wants to believe and have faith, I'm just not there yet. I want to believe because it hurts so bad thinking that I'll never see my Sawyer again, but we did believe. We believed in God and his miracles before. Sawyer did not get his breath back at the house so we thought the worst, but in the ambulance they got his heart beating again. We had hope. He then went into cardiac arrest twice that night, so again we thought it was the end. But he survived. For a week this went on. He failed, fought back, and each time gave us the hope that he would pull through. Each time we prayed harder and harder and thanked God for giving us another day, another chance. I thanked God when I got to lie by his side in the hospital bed and sing his favorite lullaby to him. I thanked God when we were able to give him a sponge bath and wash his hair so I could run my fingers through it again. Matt and I went to church the morning before his official CT scan was done and bawled our eyes out in front of God, asking, praying, pleading, begging, promising. We did it all. And in the end, all was silent. We buried our baby boy in a casket too small for this world, in a ground too cold and still for our Bam Bam. So believing that "he's in a better place" is not a possibility. In my arms, in my bed, was his favorite place. Believing that "this is part of God's plan," is honestly just cruel. And finally, believing that "this new baby is a miracle," just isn't the truth. The real miracle would be if this new baby got to know his amazing big brother. The real miracle would be if Sawyer grabbed onto that ladder and pulled himself up; if I would have taken out the stupid ladder in the first place; if one of the dogs barked; if Logan wanted to swim too; if, if, if. So many real miracles that could have happened instead of this "plan." And I know people say these things to give us hope, and frankly, there's nothing else to say, but I think I've reached the anger part of my grieving. I just want him back. Here. On this Earth. To live the life he would have loved. To grow up, get married, and have kids of his own. To kiss me goodnight. To say I love you Mommy.

I Love You video link:

https://www.dropbox.com/s/y2u55rtxsgbycb6/Sawyer%20I%20Love%20You.mkv?dl=0