Logan's first words upon waking this morning:

Logan: "Mommy, what was the last kiss you gave Sawyer?"
Me: "I wish I could remember Honey. I'm sure I gave him kisses that morning, but I know at least he got night night kisses the night before. I think I kissed him when he asked me to take off his floaties after lunch, because I remember being so proud of him for saying 'Off, peez.' His talking was getting pretty good."
Logan: "My last kiss to him was at the funeral."
Me: "Oh, well then yes, mine too. We all kissed him before we left the church. Then we kissed his casket too before we left the gravesite."
Logan: "Can we visit Sawyer today? And drive by the zebras on the way? And bring him something again? Can I give him some of my geodes to decorate his grave?"
Me: "Of course we can Honey. You've never asked to go visit him before. How come he's on your mind this morning? Did you have a dream?"
Logan: "No, I just woke up thinking about him. I wish he was alive. I miss Sawyer."

Me too baby, me too. I can't believe I haven't written in a month. Sometimes I think about stopping writing, but other times I realize that I have to keep writing. Keep getting thoughts and feelings out. I like that Logan thinks about him, misses him, still loves him. He normally doesn't like going to the gravesite with me because he doesn't like seeing me cry, so after he cleans off Sawyer's grave and sits with me for a bit, he runs around and chases the squirrels. This little routine is perfect because I like to talk to Sawyer alone. I almost always say the same things, but I still like having my one-on-one time with him. Last time we were there I noticed another headstone for the first time. One family lost their first baby in the womb when his umbilical cord got tied around his foot, and then they lost their second baby to SIDS three months after she was born. I don't know how so many parents do this. I especially don't know how they are able to physically, mentally, or emotionally do this more than once. Once takes everything from you. Rips the deep and true happiness from you. You can laugh and have a good time again, but there's always that underlying grief. That guilt that you're smiling after such tragedy. And do I expect to mope around for the rest of my life? Of course not, but happiness won't ever really, truly be the same. It's impossible to ever remove this scar from our hearts, to ever just focus on the good times. Matt and I talk about Sawyer often, and both of us agree that we can't remember the great times with him without reliving that one single week with him. One of the memories with him came to me the other day after Matt sneezed. We were all sitting at the table one night, and Matt sneezed. Sawyer said, "Bess you Daddy." We both feel like that was the point in which he began to really talk, and not do so much gibberish. It was simple, but so cute that it's one of the memories we'll always take with us. I hate that we never got the chance to really see him grow, speak, and turn into the little man he would have been.

Everett Sawyer Pennino is just days away from coming. We are so excited, yet still so scared. What if something, anything, bad happens again? It's hard to ever get that thought out of our heads. I asked Logan if he wanted to be in the room when Everett is born (up by my head not able to really see much of course), but he said no. I was surprised by this because he is such a curious kid. So when I asked him why, he said, "There will be too much blood. It's too scary. Besides, Peepa can take me fishing while Everett's being borned." This kid. Always makes me laugh. I started wondering why he thought there'd be so much blood, and then I remembered that he saw Ella and the room after she delivered her first puppy. He didn't ask to come in and see any more after he saw that. There was a ton of blood, so I think that's what he associates birth with now. Logan asks all the time if Everett could go to Heaven. Of course we say no, that nobody else is going to Heaven. Sawyer has all the friends, powdered donuts, bananas and watermelon he could ever need up there. He will wait patiently for the rest of us to be old and wrinkled. So Logan's response is always, "Like Nana? She's really, really old. Like a hundred!" That always makes me smile and laugh. He always knows how to lighten to mood.

So we'll visit Sawyer today, get a good cry out, and continue to count the days until baby Everett comes along. We'll tell Sawyer about all the good homes we've sent the puppies off too, about Ella's scary sickness (she had a really bad uterine infection - though we'll leave the details out for Sawyer), and about Jake's upset tummy with the new dog food we bought. Sawyer will laugh when we tell him about Jakes' stinky farts and loud burps. He always laughed so hard when he farted, and would wave his hand in front of his nose and say, "Oh, stinky." Of course we'd try to teach some etiquette, but it's always hard to do when you're laughing along with him. We'll tell him that it's supposed to snow here again on Monday, though the rain hasn't been that hard and it really hasn't been that cold either, so we'll see. Logan wants to bring him some snow to make a snowman for his grave if it does snow. What a great and sweet idea. We'll tell him all about the flowers blooming in the backyard. He loved smelling flowers, which is what started his dandelion fascination. The trees are in full bloom, just like when we first moved in here. It's been almost a year since we moved into this house, and almost nine months since we've lived here with just the three of us. Sawyer never even got to spend a summer, fall, or winter here. I love this house, but I always think about what life would be like if we had gotten into a different house. I don't believe that things happen for a reason, so I do believe that Sawyer would still be here with us if we lived somewhere else. I just wish we could turn back time. Every day I have this same wish. Logan often says, "I wish we could snap our fingers and whatever we wanted would be here. I would say, I wish Sawyer was alive, and snap, he'd be right here." Again, me too baby, me too. Finally, we'll tell Sawyer how much we miss him, how much we love him, and how sorry we are. I'll rub his hair and his cheek on his little gravesite picture and tell him, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be. To the moon and back." I always end with those words even though they're so painful because of how true they are. I am still living, and he will always be my baby because he'll never get the chance to grow up. I love that book, but can't ever read that line without crying now.

I love you baby. We will see you soon.