Saturday, June 6, 2015

Today, June 6th, along with my mom's birthday, was the first day of summer last year. I really thought it was going to be the best summer ever. We had a great vacation planned and had already been swimming and lounging in the sun for a few weeks. Just two days later on June 8th I was sitting on the gazebo, watching the boys splash, swim, and try to outdo each other on their cannonballs and free falls off the stairs. I had taken about five different videos of them that afternoon too. I still remember sitting there thinking how perfect things were. We were officially moved into our new house, school had just ended, vacation was planned, the boys were getting along, the sun was shining, skin was tan. It was perfection. Of course that was all before June 9th.

I can't believe it's been almost a year. While the details are so fresh, like it just happened, it also seems like an eternity ago. I haven't seen that gorgeous face, kissed those filthy cheeks, pet that messy hair, or ran my thumb along the bottom of his feet, between his sausage toes in what seems like forever. June 9th is the day that world ended and a new one began. Even though all dates point to the 17th, my baby left on the 9th. That was the last morning I got to talk to him, hear his voice, give him kisses, or even see his bright blue eyes. My absolute last memory is of him helping Pops and me fix the electrical outlets on the deck. Pops dropped a screw and even though I tried to pick it up, Sawyer demanded that he be the one to pick it up and hand it back to Pops, "No, me." Those were the last words I heard from him. I remember wanting to pick him up and show him closer what Pops was doing, but for some reason I didnt...and that's it. I don't know if he walked away through the house and out to the other side of the yard where the pool was, or if he walked off the deck and around the backyard to the pool. I wish I had just picked him up. All I know is that whichever way he decided to go, it was directly to the pool. The pool I left the stupid ladder in. Stupid.

He just wanted to swim. And now our lives are scarred by something that we all loved so much. Before we even had children, Matt and I would spend days out in Palm Springs, hours just sitting in the pools. Logan was in Palm Springs in the pool right after birth almost. Sawyer was no different, and now Everett is the same. Just watching Everett in the bath is a testament to his natural love for water. It's something we can't take away from the boys, but something we'll never feel the same about. Now that the weather is warm again, Logan keeps asking if we can get a pool - a pool without a ladder so Everett can't get in. He's aware that it will never happen though. So he moved onto asking for a lazy river. Of course it would be shallow enough that if Everett could crawl into it, he'd be strong enough to sit up in it. Also never happening (though I love how this kid thinks). I'm trying to get him excited about a cool splashpad, so I showed him some pictures of some pretty amazing ones. So as soon as I turn him onto this idea and actually do some research, I find that it's the same price as building a pool. It always upsets me when trying to do the right things (eat healthy, save energy, conserving water) are so much more expensive than the general wasteful efforts. So we'll see if this home ever has any form of water play in the backyard again. Not anytime soon, we'll just keep taking the trips out to Palm Springs when Logan wants to swim. He is a great swimmer, but I still signed him up for lessons this summer. It can't hurt to get any better. The city doesn't offer any water classes until six months, so Everett will have his first lessons next summer.

Sawyer baby, I will see you in a couple days. This year the 9th is the last day of school for students. I plan to finish working, visit you, and then sit home and put the final stitches on your quilt. I think it will be a good time to sit and think about all the wonderful memories I have of you, put in that final stitch, and then wrap myself up in your old shirts. I love you baby doll. To the moon and back, forever and always. Loving you, missing you, wishing you were here. xoxo