Well our first Christmas without you has come and gone. The actual day was surrounded by family so it wasn't too hard. The morning, however, watching Logan open up all of his gifts, not having to read the labels to decide if they were for you or for him was hard. We brought the stockings up the night before to watch Logan open up his stocking stuffers in bed when he awoke. I thought this was a cute idea until we walked downstairs and I saw your empty stocking still hanging. I will always hang yours for you, but seeing it hanging there so empty is not easy baby. I had to take it down today so I wouldn't keep staring at it. After Logan finished opening his gifts and began playing with them, Daddy and I started talking, wondering what we would have bought for you this year, wondering what you would have been playing with most Christmas morning, and finally wondering how many of Logan's toys you would have broken by now.

We went to visit with you on Christmas Eve. There were so many beautiful decorations set around the baby section. It just doesn't seem right that so many parents have had to bury their babies. So many people have tried to offer comfort in the idea that you're spending Christmas in Heaven this year, but it doesn't help. We are here without you and you are elsewhere without us. It's been said so many times that there is nothing stronger than the love of a mother for her children. This I believe. This is why it doesn't matter where you are - you're not here with me and that cannot be justified or cured by any thought or belief. It just can't.

I just read another story of a little girl who went under the water during her bath for too long. Her mom and dad went through the same highs of hopes and lows of realizations that we did for a week at Loma Linda as well. I wonder if she had the same nurses that you did. That must be the hardest job in the world. I couldn't face that day in and day out - even the ones they save couldn't possibly make up for watching little angels like you fade away. Having to watch the parents walk out of the room for the last time would never get easier. I still see you lying in that bed. I kept imagining you opening your eyes, looking at me and smiling, then crying because you would have hated all those tubes everywhere. I remember lying next to you in that bed, singing your favorite lullaby, and then your hand twitched. I froze, thinking for sure that you heard me. You were reacting to me. You were waking. But then your vitals went crazy and the nurses had to come in and adjust your medication because your body was failing. So many false hopes.

I'm sorry to relive this again sweetheart, it's so hard not to though. This has been such an emotional month, just constantly wondering what you would be doing, how many words you'd be saying by now. It's simply not right that you can't sit here and cuddle under this blanket with me. I want you here. I want you to feel your baby brother kicking and moving around. Guess what else? Ella is going to have puppies soon too. Two pregnant mommies in the same house. It's going to get pretty crowded around here, and the answer is no - Logan has already asked to keep them. Hopefully we'll find homes for all of the puppies before your baby brother comes around. I love you Sawyer. I will come visit you again on New Year's Day. I will bring one of your favorite books and we can talk more about the puppies and how Ella is doing. I love you baby. Forever and always. xoxo

I look at this picture now and think about how lively you were. Always being a goof and making us laugh. I also think about how I'm pretty sure your cheeks are covered in either food or dirt in every picture I've ever posted of you. My boy. I miss you so.

Hi baby. I hope you're looking down on all of the Christmas lights around and smiling. I know how much you loved Christmas time. We finally decorated the inside of the house - haven't gotten around to the outside yet, and not really sure if we're going to. It's hard to get into the Christmas spirit this year. It was even harder pulling out the boxes of Christmas decorations and finding all of your special things. We have your handprint ornament that you made at the Learning Zoo last year hanging from the tree. We also put the teddy bear that Loma Linda Hospital gave to you when you were first admitted on the tree. I remember clinging to that little bear all the way home from the hospital after we kissed you goodbye for the last time. Gosh I wish I could just climb back into that bed with you to run my fingers through your hair, kiss your rosy cheeks, and rub the back of your pudgy little hand. Better yet, I wish I could climb in my own bed and do those things with you. We have your naughty and nice Christmas pictures hanging in the window and your mistle'toes' on the counter. I still remember painting the bottom of your foot to get those perfect mistletoes - you laughed so hard because it tickled. I was so proud of you for waiting for me to finish with your brother's footprint before I could clean your perfect little foot off. I miss your feet. Chunky little flat feet with sausage toes. So perfect.

Tomorrow we're going to take our first official family pictures since you left. It's going to be hard, but I hope we can make it through without any breakdowns in public - I like to save those for behind our four walls. Since there are no fields of dandelions around, we'll have an orange balloon with us to make sure that apart of you makes it into this picture. We're going to go up to Oak Glen, where you used to love running around outside and seeing all the peacocks and reindeer. We won't be going to your favorite spot though - no need for the candy shoppe tomorrow.

Your baby brother is doing well. He's getting big and kicking like crazy. He might even be more active than you - that's a scary thought, isn't it? We just want him to be here already. We need to be able to hug and love him like we did you. We need to be able to look into his eyes and know that in some mysterious way, he is only here because of you. My angel Sawyer. You were such a bruiser, but always so helpful and so giving. Your big brother is doing well too. He's enjoying first grade, but he misses you too. He talks about you often. He decorated your little room Christmas tree for you too. He made sure to put your snowman and train ornament on it, and even gave you some jingle bells. Remember the little horse and buggy decoration that you dropped and broke last year? Well we finally found the horse's head this year. Not that it did any good since we threw it away last year, but at least we answered the mystery as to where it went. It was stuck in one of the other town decorations. We looked forever for it last year. Logan makes sure he kisses your picture and tells you goodnight every time we go up to bed. He even started rubbing your cheek and pretending he's rubbing your hair like Mommy does too. We all miss you. We have your stocking up, but don't know what to put in it this year. I won't be able to look at it empty while the others are full, so Mommy and Daddy will be sure to get you something special. Logan wants to make you a present too.

We love you honey. We all miss you so much. I wish more than anything that you were here this Christmas with us. It just won't be the same. Daddy has to work Christmas Eve this year too, so if you could come visit me I would love that. I don't want to be lonely that night. It'll be hard as it is. I know that this is going to be one of the bigger challenges that we have had to face since you've gone, so help Mommy, okay? You were always my big helper, and I know I asked so much of you that final week in the hospital, but I'm going to ask for your help again. Come tell me Merry Christmas and that you love me. Please, baby. I love you. So much. Merry Christmas Sawyer. My sweet baby.