I haven't written in awhile. Things have been crazy at work and home. Busy is good. Busy doesn't give us too much time to think or cry. You would like the new kitchen, it's very pretty, but you would hate the new fridge. It'd be so hard for you to get inside and take out all the snacks you used to. You'd also be disappointed in the back yard. Since you've left we hardly ever go out there. Logan doesn't play much outside anymore. I think he gets lonely and just wants to stay next to Mommy and Daddy. Your puppies have taken over and started digging everywhere too! I need your help to tell them, "No! Bad daw!" Daddy needs help picking up all the poop too. You were the best at pointing it out, making sure we got all of the piles. I went out and picked it up the other day, and there were about 7 dandelions out there, wishing you were here to pluck them up and shake them out. Logan took care of a couple of them.
We're coming up on our third holiday without you here. I don't think Thanksgiving will be as hard as 4th of July or Halloween were since you never really liked turkey, or sitting down to formal dinners (or sitting down ever). I do have a little turkey decoration that I will bring to your beautiful stone next Wednesday though. I'll read you a Thanksgiving story too - and hopefully I can do a better job at getting the whole story out than I did last time. We're still waiting for it to get easier. It's been almost six months, half a year, already, and it feels like it. It's been so long since I've held you. We keep moving on with our daily lives - waking up, getting ready, going to work, and every step in between. I pass by your pre-school everyday and wish I was one of those cars in the parking lot, dropping you off with your toast and smoothie. That always makes the drive to work so hard. One of these days soon I will be in that parking lot again, but it won't be the same. I wish you could see how big Mommy's belly is getting. Logan and Daddy are starting to be able to see and feel your baby brother moving and kicking around. I know you would have loved to snuggle next to me with your hand on my belly. I can just see your big blue eyes going wide when you'd feel him kick. I wish I could see you as a big brother. You'd be perfect. We still haven't decided what your baby brother's first name will be, but Sawyer will definitely be his middle name. He will have just that small piece of you. We are getting more anxious to welcome this little guy into our lives, no matter how scared we are. Now that I'm starting to show though, so many tough questions come our way. "Is this your first?" No it's our third. "Oh wow, boys or girls?" All three boys. "Wow that's a challenge. Were you trying for a girl?" No...but I can't tell them why. "How old are your others?" And then I'm stuck...6 and 2, or 6 and he should be 3, but he never made his third birthday? It's so hard answering questions about you. I can talk to people I know about you all day long (and I often do), but whenever a stranger asks, I just freeze. I feel like I'm lying no matter what I say. Someone actually said the other day, "Woa two boys wasn't enough?" And though he was joking, I wanted to say, "Yes! My two boys were perfect. I was completely content with two boys. We never had plans for another, but things were changed. Horrible things happened and there's nothing we can do about it." But of course I just ended up giving my fake laugh that I've grown so accustomed to. I'm sorry baby. I never imagined we'd ever have to go through anything like this.
I don't have much more to say. I just want you to know that you continue to be on my mind, every day, every night. I miss you as much today as I did the first day you were gone. I want you to come visit me at night again. I love hearing your voice and seeing your face. I love seeing your smiles in my dreams because it's so hard for me to picture you anywhere but that stupid pool when I'm awake. That will always haunt me, and though everyone wishes we would stop blaming ourselves, we just can't. I'm so sorry baby. We let you down and we'll never forgive ourselves for it. I miss you and love you so much. So much Sawyer. I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, forever and always. <3 <3 <3
Some more of my favorites...
